


Shifting equilibrium

by dannissa



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015), Star Wars Episode VIII: The Last Jedi (2017), Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Angst and Romance, Angst with a Happy Ending, Budding Love, Codependency, Complicated Relationships, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, Fluff and Angst, Hugs, Kissing, Kylo Ren Angst, Kylo Ren Has Issues, Kylo Ren Needs a Hug, Multi, Sharing a Bed, mentions of Rey - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-30
Updated: 2018-01-30
Packaged: 2019-03-11 07:45:23
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,329
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13519686
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dannissa/pseuds/dannissa
Summary: When dreams and reality contradict each other what can you do? When thoughts are swirling and spiraling out of control when reality slips away and nothing is the way it was supposed to be what Kylo decides means nothing and everything.Kylo-centric, angsty and a little sad.





	Shifting equilibrium

**Author's Note:**

> Hello there! So, I was laying in my bed, minding my own business, trying to fall asleep when this idea hit me hard and I just had to write it down, almost immediately. And now it’s here, yay!
> 
> Huge thanks to both of my friends who have actually read through this before I was ready to post, you are magnificent and I love and appreciate you!
> 
> This isn’t my first language if you see some mistakes please let me know and I’ll fix them! Leave feedback if you liked it and please enjoy the reading! [Tumblr](https://dannissa13.tumblr.com/) and [other](https://archiveofourown.org/users/dannissa/works) works are here. Have a nice one!

He sees her in a dream again this night, touching his face with light hands, fingers tracing the scars her lightsaber left. Her palms are calloused from years of hard labor and training but the touch is tender, calming and soft. He’s kissing that gentle hand, wanting nothing more than to bury his face completely into this kind, loving touch and forget about everything that’s tormenting his soul. After opening his eyes, Kylo stays in the bed for a little while, still chasing the ever-fleeting moment of solace, brief, transient, and fading, while looking at the ceiling of his private quarters with an unfocused stare.

He thinks about Rey the whole morning - while standing under the warm water in the shower, the only privilege of his otherwise ascetic habitat, specifically made to accommodate his high. Breakfast is bland, Kylo can’t taste anything, not able to focus on the food at this moment. Supreme leader’s duty is heavy, taking all of his time and the tremendous amount of effort yet the rest of the day is a blur, a mess of disjointed flashes he managed to isolate from the stream of events, following one another: tiresome meeting with general Hux and his subordinate officers, long-winded speech they gave to the troops, monotonous and uneventful checks of equipment, general’s snarky remarks about all of the above and more snide comments he made in private, at the dinner. 

Only when he’s back, able to take off the heavy clothes and relax stiffened shoulders, Kylo can finally sit down to contemplate the meaning behind what’s happening to him. That doesn’t last long, like every good thing in his life, and the door opens to reveal general Hux who immediately walks in. Their relationship with each other is complicated, the passion of their hatred to one another and heated open rivalry translates into even more passionate encounters between the sheets, which is mutually beneficial but always stays behind the closed door of his room, never to come out. It’s the only rule - they are not the same at night as they are during the day, things stay balanced that way. The black uniform drops to the floor and with it the general’s facade, all those malicious, noxious words he can throw Kylo’s way and all the ways he can and will hurt him otherwise. He’s just Armitage now, Ren’s lover and confidant, nothing like judgemental Hux he becomes outside. 

First kiss is brief, lips touching in that all too familiar way, the promise it gives is bigger than the gesture itself. Kylo both loves and loathes this moment, not enough to satisfy but plenty to tease, like playing a game with no clear winner. They usually leave the talking up until after they’re done, have taken the edge off and laying in bed, relaxing, Armitage loosely hugging him, heads pressed together cheek to cheek. It’s nice to feel another living, breathing human besides himself, especially on days like this one. General kisses him harder, demanding, lusting for Kylo’s attention, pulling closer, tangling their bodies together, fingers digging through Ren’s hair. He’s greedy for anything he gets but the timing is wrong this day and things that usually excite Kylo beyond belief are now bothersome, unwanted, unsavory. He pulls away, walks to the bed to sit down and hides his face in the palms of his hands, murmuring distraughtly: 

“I’m sorry… I can’t… I just can’t.”

The silence follows, a rare occurrence considering general’s nature and love of insults, only soft approaching steps can be heard, then rustling of the sheets before the warm touch is upon him once again. Hux is sitting behind him, chest flush against his bare back, skin to skin, embracing Kylo in an uncharacteristic manner, chin on his shoulder, lips so close the latter can feel every breath.

“You can tell me, Kylo. What’s bothering you today, what’s on your mind? This will stay here, between us, I promise.”

Ren can’t bring himself to talk, chest heavy and throat closing, mind filled with both regret and anger. This is not how things are supposed to be, this is not what he planned, why is everything wrong and out of order? The confusion and doubts turned inward, wrath and violent outbursts he usually displayed sank in his mind spiraling into the uncontrollable mess leaving him agitated, disoriented and perplexed. It’s like his whole life suddenly went out of control and upside down, leaving almost nothing normal and familiar behind. Never he was so grateful for Hux’s presence, his words and his touch. 

Two pale bodies on a black bedding, contrast stark between them, the usual thing for the nights just like this one, when they’re wrestling for dominance and chasing pleasure or resting, limbs tangled together, sweaty and satisfied. Tonight, foregoing their favorite activity, Armitage lays them both down, Kylo’s head on his chest, to play with his thick shiny dark hair, letting smooth strands slip through the fingers, petting his head. A comforting gesture, at first Kylo fought it, not letting himself being treated like some sort of cat, accepting only after Armitage asked him directly and persuaded Ren with few counts of good oral sex. Now it was nicer than ever, helping to somewhat relax and gather his muddled chaotic thoughts into something resembling intelligible sentences:

“I don’t know what to say to you or how to say it. Everything is wrong. Something inside me is broken and I don’t know how to fix it. This earning, this longing I have for the past, different life, slowly eats at my soul. I don’t feel like myself anymore, before this I’ve had a goal, a clear idea of things to come, my destiny was set in stone but now everything is a mess. It’s all consuming, Armitage and I can’t stand it.”

“You can fight it, Kylo. You’ve defeated your past before and you can do it again. I’ll be here, I’ll stay by you. Supreme Leader Kylo Ren is destined for greatness, we can bring the whole galaxy to its knees together and rule it. Now sleep, you need your rest, I won’t go anywhere tonight.”

“Thank you, Armitage.”

General kisses him softly on the top of the head, burying his face into the hair he just petted, shifting a little to get into a more comfortable position suitable for sleeping, still embracing Kylo but not risking stiff neck in the morning - they both have to look presentable. Ren appreciates that, Hux’s concern and support but most importantly - his devotion to the cause and fierce loyalty. His presence gives a certain sense comfort, it’s familiar, things stayed the same between them even though everything else changed. Kylo slowly drifts away on that thought, reality blurring and disappearing around him as he falls asleep.

He sees her again, soft opened face, innocent and a little naive, her kind smile and her gentle touch. She beckons him somewhere and he’s ready to follow only to feel that warmth again, to bask in the light she gives out so generously to someone who doesn’t deserve it. She’s there and she’s not leaving him like others did, waiting with open arms for him to come. He hides from everything in her hair and feels complete again and only the chill of an empty bed in the morning rips them apart. He spends a good few minutes trying to get that ephemeral feeling back, to save it deep inside, to feed the seed of light she left him to help escape the impending feeling of loneliness anyone of great power faces at the end. Ultimately, Kylo stands alone, drained of everything he holds dear and that path hurts him, yet he continues. She’ll be there, safe from it in his dreams and Armitage will be by his side at nights, this fragile truce between different worlds, at least for this small brief moment. The uneven balance between darkness and light, just like Kylo himself.

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you had a nice time reading! Feedback is greatly appreciated! [Tumblr](https://dannissa13.tumblr.com/) and [other](https://archiveofourown.org/users/dannissa/works) works here! Bye! (ฅ’ω’ฅ)♥


End file.
